" My Fellow Americans, Feel free to share this, you can use my name, I wrote it, credit me or blame me, I'll take it on this one:
I used to write a lot of short stories, lately I am quite cynical, so I started off to make a joke, we need that in these times but, that word again, but, the humor soon got ironic. Somehow I think the voice of Rod Serling is in the background on this one, Welcome to the "Twilight Zone".
I am a psychic kind of guy and every now and then I get a call from beyond the grave. I had a visitation from a very beautiful Lady, who had passed well before her time. Seems she was attending an Obama rally and she made the mistake of asking for tea. The security guards accidentally tasered her 5 or six times and the hospital couldn't save her when they brought her from the holding tank the next day.
She didn't remember most of it, but it was all right when she arrived at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. An elderly greeter was there to assist her, backed up by other smiling staff.
"We are here to assist you in your registration, may we see your papers"? She didn't have anything, and was confused at what he was talking about. The old man said that it was not a problem, and what country are you from?
"Why, America of course" , she indignantly exclaimed. And are you a liberal or a conservative, was the next question. "Why Liberal, that's why I'm here in heaven".
Oh he said that's great, you are here with our Harp package, debit or Credit?
She was dumbfounded, "I have nothing, I am just an American woman here to receive my afterlife benefit" she blurted.
The old guy was profusely assuring her that it was ok, don't worry, this happens all the time.
Now he said, If you please follow the yellow line we can check you in. "Thank you, she said with a sigh of relief, I was beginning to get worried".
She followed the yellow line down a corridor where two big men were waiting. Madam, what is your package, they politely asked.
"I believe it is American Harp" the guy at the front told me.
The two men were ecstatic, "that is wonderful, you are so lucky to be an American".
Once again she felt her confidence and enthusiasm swell. This way ma'am, follow the green line to the left.
She strolled down the corridor which had lovely paintings of green forests, rivers, mountains and wildlife. She stopped at each one and saw several that she recognized during her past life, Yellowstone park, the grand canyon, as in the background there was epic music playing and each painting had a button you could push with a narration by Whoopi Goldberg. There was scent of pine in the forests, the smell of mist on the ocean waves, the cool breeze on a desert sunset with each appropriate scene. The visions of her new life were wonderful. Her eyes turned dreamy, her lips formed a knowing smile, it was good to be an American.
At the next entry way she was grabbed by two stocky women in full combat gear, braced up against a wall, was groped and patted down over her entire body. Before she could even utter a sound of protest, the two accosters exclaimed, "she's clean". Another door opened and a smiling man once again pointed, "This way ma'am". Her rage exploded, "I want to speak to your superiors". The man patiently explained, that the guards were doing their duty to make sure that "no terrorists got into Paradise". "They are doing this for your protection, you must be grateful for their service". She could understand that, "I'm sorry, I'll co-operate, just get me to my room I am really tired". The warm gentle smile of her guide once again reassured her. This way please.
At the next corridor she was led into a room with two smiling women wearing the badge of heaven on their uniforms. "please remove your clothes, shoes and jewelry, place them in the box on the conveyor belt,". By now the woman was so desperate she said "fine". She began to get fearful as each of her removed garments were carefully folded, and placed in the box. It was especially hard to place the shoes she had bought in a New York City boutique, along with her gold bracelet and ear rings, she felt naked without them. Knowing it would soon be over and it was going to be so worthwhile. She watched the box go through the little flap on the conveyor.
Step over here ma'am, as the women pointed to a wall covered with a mirror. She did so finding her image staring back at her. She recognized herself, but it certainly looked like a stranger staring back. The two guards came over and roughly jostled her as they ordered her to bend over. She revolted, backed up against the mirror and could hear herself shrieking. "You are not going to do this to me"! Now there were others, she was on the floor, hands cuffed behind her, muzzled, staring at the floor. There were orders and noises all around her as she thought her head would burst. She wanted to fight, lash out, defend herself, as naked and alone she realized there was no hope, and she bitterly absorbed their violations.
Memories of things came back to her, being a child, family, career, schools, friends, small things she had taken for granted all seemed very far away now. Had they ever existed?
She found herself on the floor, wearing a simple gray tunic with little hospital booties. In the background there was once again music playing, Frank Sinatra singing "My Way".
The doors opened, there was a bright light that beckoned her, peace came over her as she gracefully walked into heaven........
The keeper of the gates was having a slow day until she showed up again. He was getting tired of the constant complaining of the people here, but she had seemed like a nice woman so he decided to talk to her. "Hello again, how may I help you"?
"Listen you conservative piece of crap, I signed up for the Harp package here, and this place sucks. My room is in a barracks with a cot, the highlight of the food is when they serve Spam, there is no grass, bath facilities, the guard dogs crap on floors, everybody in the place is trying to steal my new dress. On the nice days planes fly over and the clouds have ruined my tan, I get sick from the volcano fumes, the Earthquakes keep me awake at night. The god damned floods washed away the outhouse, they made me move to the concrete bunker when the last hurricane wiped out my barracks. Now just tell me what the hell are you going to do about it. "I demand my rights as an American Citizen"!
Oh ma'am, I am sure you are over reacting, but let me point out, "you are the one that went along with the HAARP program".
I will pass your concerns along to the higher ups.
Roy P. Pilkey 8/29/2011 ""
I used to write a lot of short stories, lately I am quite cynical, so I started off to make a joke, we need that in these times but, that word again, but, the humor soon got ironic. Somehow I think the voice of Rod Serling is in the background on this one, Welcome to the "Twilight Zone".
I am a psychic kind of guy and every now and then I get a call from beyond the grave. I had a visitation from a very beautiful Lady, who had passed well before her time. Seems she was attending an Obama rally and she made the mistake of asking for tea. The security guards accidentally tasered her 5 or six times and the hospital couldn't save her when they brought her from the holding tank the next day.
She didn't remember most of it, but it was all right when she arrived at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. An elderly greeter was there to assist her, backed up by other smiling staff.
"We are here to assist you in your registration, may we see your papers"? She didn't have anything, and was confused at what he was talking about. The old man said that it was not a problem, and what country are you from?
"Why, America of course" , she indignantly exclaimed. And are you a liberal or a conservative, was the next question. "Why Liberal, that's why I'm here in heaven".
Oh he said that's great, you are here with our Harp package, debit or Credit?
She was dumbfounded, "I have nothing, I am just an American woman here to receive my afterlife benefit" she blurted.
The old guy was profusely assuring her that it was ok, don't worry, this happens all the time.
Now he said, If you please follow the yellow line we can check you in. "Thank you, she said with a sigh of relief, I was beginning to get worried".
She followed the yellow line down a corridor where two big men were waiting. Madam, what is your package, they politely asked.
"I believe it is American Harp" the guy at the front told me.
The two men were ecstatic, "that is wonderful, you are so lucky to be an American".
Once again she felt her confidence and enthusiasm swell. This way ma'am, follow the green line to the left.
She strolled down the corridor which had lovely paintings of green forests, rivers, mountains and wildlife. She stopped at each one and saw several that she recognized during her past life, Yellowstone park, the grand canyon, as in the background there was epic music playing and each painting had a button you could push with a narration by Whoopi Goldberg. There was scent of pine in the forests, the smell of mist on the ocean waves, the cool breeze on a desert sunset with each appropriate scene. The visions of her new life were wonderful. Her eyes turned dreamy, her lips formed a knowing smile, it was good to be an American.
At the next entry way she was grabbed by two stocky women in full combat gear, braced up against a wall, was groped and patted down over her entire body. Before she could even utter a sound of protest, the two accosters exclaimed, "she's clean". Another door opened and a smiling man once again pointed, "This way ma'am". Her rage exploded, "I want to speak to your superiors". The man patiently explained, that the guards were doing their duty to make sure that "no terrorists got into Paradise". "They are doing this for your protection, you must be grateful for their service". She could understand that, "I'm sorry, I'll co-operate, just get me to my room I am really tired". The warm gentle smile of her guide once again reassured her. This way please.
At the next corridor she was led into a room with two smiling women wearing the badge of heaven on their uniforms. "please remove your clothes, shoes and jewelry, place them in the box on the conveyor belt,". By now the woman was so desperate she said "fine". She began to get fearful as each of her removed garments were carefully folded, and placed in the box. It was especially hard to place the shoes she had bought in a New York City boutique, along with her gold bracelet and ear rings, she felt naked without them. Knowing it would soon be over and it was going to be so worthwhile. She watched the box go through the little flap on the conveyor.
Step over here ma'am, as the women pointed to a wall covered with a mirror. She did so finding her image staring back at her. She recognized herself, but it certainly looked like a stranger staring back. The two guards came over and roughly jostled her as they ordered her to bend over. She revolted, backed up against the mirror and could hear herself shrieking. "You are not going to do this to me"! Now there were others, she was on the floor, hands cuffed behind her, muzzled, staring at the floor. There were orders and noises all around her as she thought her head would burst. She wanted to fight, lash out, defend herself, as naked and alone she realized there was no hope, and she bitterly absorbed their violations.
Memories of things came back to her, being a child, family, career, schools, friends, small things she had taken for granted all seemed very far away now. Had they ever existed?
She found herself on the floor, wearing a simple gray tunic with little hospital booties. In the background there was once again music playing, Frank Sinatra singing "My Way".
The doors opened, there was a bright light that beckoned her, peace came over her as she gracefully walked into heaven........
The keeper of the gates was having a slow day until she showed up again. He was getting tired of the constant complaining of the people here, but she had seemed like a nice woman so he decided to talk to her. "Hello again, how may I help you"?
"Listen you conservative piece of crap, I signed up for the Harp package here, and this place sucks. My room is in a barracks with a cot, the highlight of the food is when they serve Spam, there is no grass, bath facilities, the guard dogs crap on floors, everybody in the place is trying to steal my new dress. On the nice days planes fly over and the clouds have ruined my tan, I get sick from the volcano fumes, the Earthquakes keep me awake at night. The god damned floods washed away the outhouse, they made me move to the concrete bunker when the last hurricane wiped out my barracks. Now just tell me what the hell are you going to do about it. "I demand my rights as an American Citizen"!
Oh ma'am, I am sure you are over reacting, but let me point out, "you are the one that went along with the HAARP program".
I will pass your concerns along to the higher ups.
Roy P. Pilkey 8/29/2011 ""
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